jeff (jeffhernandez) wrote,

The Offences of a Tweener

I don’t wear cologne.  In fact up until a year ago I’d never worn cologne.  I never saw the need for it.  Who wears cologne?  What’s the point?  I shower.  I wear deodorant.  I don’t smell bad.  Why would I want to smell like Eternity or Tom Ford?  Tom Ford smells like Tom Ford, and Eternity sounds like it might smell of mummy’s feet. 

Still, according to a couple of my friends- this would not stand.

Two years ago my friends drug me around the mall and sprayed me with every sweet, sweet fragrance they could find.  We went to Sephora, and Perfumania, then back to Sephora, then we walked around the mall to air out, then we went back to Perfumania. 

At the end of the excursion I ended up with two bottles of cologne, and for one straight year I proudly wore one or the other- until both were gone. 

I thought about restocking- but never did.  I did, however start wearing some lotion (I have dry skin- don’t judge) that happened to have (or so the bottle says) calming effects, and it also smells nice. 


“You smell good!  I love the way you smell.”  My girlfriend would say, as she buried her nose into my neck, inhaling sharply.  This would be right after I started wearing the lotion. 

I love that lotion.  I don’t know if I really feel calmer wearing it- but I like the fact that my girlfriend likes to smell me- and in order to smell me she has to get close to me, and anything that gets a lady (my girlfriend in particular) to get close to me is aces in my book. 


Unfortunately we’ve been working a lot of opposite schedules as of late.  Things have been popping up, responsibilities have taken precedent, and we haven’t had many opportunities to spend some time together.  And just as things seemed to be clearing up- paving the way for us to finally spend some quality time together- we got sick. 


It was a lot of me bringing her soup and orange juice and her telling me to stay away, cause she didn’t want to get me sick.  Except I did get a bit sick, and I started to wonder, “Will there ever be a time when the two of us can make time to go out to dinner- and have the evening end up with her laying in my bed, instead of me crouched over my toilet?” 


I woke up Friday morning chipper, I felt great.  My girlfriend was leaving town for the weekend, and this would be my last time to see her before she left.  We were both coming off our illnesses, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, “and nothing’s going to stop me from planting a big ol’ kiss on my girl!” I thought as I hopped out of bed.


It was like something out of a movie- the happy music started playing- Mr. Blue Sky by ELO- and I tapped my toes while brushing my teeth.  I sang along while lathering up in the shower.  I air guitared while applying my calming lotion.  Deer and rabbits and birds followed me and along to the song as I walked to my car.  Today was going to be the day when everything was finally better.


“Oh my God you smell.” She said, and not in a good way.


“What did you put on this morning?”

“Nothing different.  Just that lotion.”


“You like the smell.  You’ve always liked the smell.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m still a little sick, but you’re kind of making my stomach churn.”

“Making your stomach churn?”

“Yeah, I can’t stand next to you.”


“I’m sure if I weren’t sick I’d love it.”



The deer and birds and rabbits that had followed me to work, singing all the way, now looked as if they had walked in on their parents having a fight about money.  They looked up and down and left and right trying to avoid eye contact with the scene that was taking place in front of them.


“I’m going to go over to that field and eat some grass.” The deer said to the rabbits.

“Yeah, we’ll follow you.” The rabbits and birds replied.

“No wait guys! We were going to sing that song!” I called out to them, but they had already left.

“They probably couldn’t stand the way you smell either.” My girlfriend said.


“Seriously, how much of that stuff did you put on?”

“No more than usual.”

“How much is that.”

“Well, some on my arms- it comes in this pump bottle so that was, let’s see, six pumps for each arm, then some on my neck, five pumps there, on my face, five more pumps, then some more on my hands, let’s say another six pumps, then I pat the excess on my clothes, then…”


I started to realize in my overzealous excitement to start the day that I may have over fragranced.  That maybe I was a walking calming lotion- but in this case I wasn’t calming anything- but instead churning olfactory senses and stomachs.  I had visions of those 15-year-old boys who wore too much cologne.  The kind of boys that spray cologne on their chests, necks, arms, legs, crotch (cause everyone knows if your crotch smells like cologne- you’re going to have sex that day), and then spray a bunch in the air, creating a three feet cloud of cologne in which they spin, so those little cologne particles will attach to every single surface on their clothing.  They are the boys who are cursed with acne because they’re pores are clogged with cologne.  They are the kind of boys you can smell fifteen minutes before they arrive on the scene.  They were the kind of boys who know nothing of subtlety- they were clothes that are too nice for the occasion, and slick their hair way too much.  And for that morning, I was one of those boys. 


“Oh man.” I said, “I put too much on.”

“You think?”

“I’m sorry.”


I tried my best to keep a five-foot radius (the odor radius) away from my girlfriend, which made me sad, as today was going to be the day, the first day in a long time, when we would properly kiss one another.  The deer and rabbits and birds were going to sing while we kissed, but they had long since gone back to their burrows. 


The workday ended, and she climbed into her car, ready to drive off for a weekend getaway.  I walked her to her car, carrying her bag of things.  I told her to be careful, and then wonderful person that she is- she kissed me properly. 


Sure there was no music being sung by birds or deer or rabbits- but it really didn’t matter.  There was music in the air, and apparently a smell to go along with it.

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